I missed her before she had even left.
It had been a four day whirlwind chaotic dance of ridiculous experience ultimately responsible for shifting my stubbornly black and white world view into a canvas filled with brilliant colors I honestly haven’t seen in decades. And though she is driving farther away from me with each moment that passes as I sit writing this, I simply refuse to let that former blandness fester or linger- I am instead choosing to revel in the light she lovingly left behind for me.
We rolled together, through good and bad. We bonded deeply through the momentarily sad and the hilariously unexpected. Because despite the very best of my gentlemanly intentions, it was a challenge actually keeping her on the mattress in the heated throws of our uninhibited passions freely unleashed.
When presented with the seemingly endless variety of emotions and sensations, I gorged myself at the buffet of her totality. And I did not realize just how desperately I had been starving for those conversations. The cravings for those gentle, tickling touches overwhelmed me and she graciously allowed me to have my fill, though I was always on the hunt for the very next taste.
Her inspiring selflessness helped me to gain a better understanding of a great many things that for far too many years have stubbornly eluded my total comprehension… music… family… laughter. She effortlessly redefined the context of this ridiculousness with a genuine smile shared in a bonding moment of two souls, brightly stoking the glowing ember of hope still smoldering inside of my chest.
Even when the darker angels of my tired and nearly expired creativity attempted to rear their ugly masks, she still found a patient, rational foundation upon which to shift our narrative. It was just old poisons inside my aging hesitations trying to sneak in and pollute a possibility that I would honestly die trying to protect. She taught me that it was okay to simply choose to shout that shit down with open conversations on a snowy road running south, the darker inhibitions and doubting complications evaporating in the light of total explanation.
And I fought, through every minute spent with her, to neither suffocate nor complicate. Because that is just not what I am about and I simply could not live with myself if I were to ever cause her to doubt or hesitate. There has been enough of that bleakness in her history and I steadfastly refuse to add a single bit more.
She may not yet be aware, but I am convinced that she is destined to save me. Save me from my darker demons and my self-inflicted inconsistencies. Save me from that unhealthy protective shell that I foolishly spent a lifetime building around my heart and wounded personality, barely clinging to life amidst all the chaos of a brutal, intolerant world.
And under her uninhibited guidance, that salvation in neither shameful, nor complicated. A simple passionate kiss. The memories of soft flesh glowing in celebration of a reunification sparking to a perfect soundtrack echoing through this little blue house in the center of the flyover City of Wayne. A spontaneous embrace that clings and lingers across four states instead of three. Because she always takes her own way- as well she should.
The sun came out as she was preparing to leave, the first time we had seen that warmth since she had first arrived. And standing there, in the bittersweet moment of that glow, I clearly gained a persistent focus that startled me with its piercing clarity.
I was once a wounded and weary flatland fox, who spent far too many years scavenging through the scraps, barely fed and constantly scared of the next day dawning. Never feeling safe or settled, mistakenly clinging to the fallibility of disingenuous hunters only looking to exploit and ridicule and hurt.
But I will soon run down to the safety of the mountains, playfully chasing a bunny I hope to never truly catch. Because she knows the way to healthier feeding grounds that will fill my stomach with a constant diet of flitting butterflies. She has found the quenching spring that promises to envelop my soul in the sustaining refreshment of her absorption, as the streams of our unique currents combine into something far more powerful and beautiful.
And I can think of no other place that I would rather be. I can imagine no better setting in which to experience the next, best chapter of my story still unfolding. Because all of my wild instincts are telling me to be with her and that is exactly what I intend to do.
I’m not looking forward to moving all these fucking typewriters, though.
That’s gonna suck.
But I’ll do it willingly for her.