Sometimes, you just can’t fix things.
Sometimes, the enormity of your stupidity outweighs any possibilities for meaningful reconciliation. Despite any efforts made, or desires still held inside a broken heart willing to repair the damage, you still just end up drowning in the ashes of a temporary kingdom built on selfishness, a world burnt to the ground and justifiably ostracized in its underlying failings.
And it’s so easy to point fingers and to share the blame. But that’s the coward’s way and while I may represent a great many unpleasant and flawed characteristics, being a coward has never been one of them.
I have hurt a lot of people in my life, through my stubbornness and inflexibility. I have often used my words as targeted weapons, just to fire another salvo in yet another pointless battle. I am accountable for a great many sins that bear my maker’s mark- I alone am culpable.
And yet I realize, perhaps admittedly a bit late in the game, that by inflicting that pain and hurt indiscriminately out into the world, I only ended up wounding myself the most.
That statement isn’t designed to garner either sympathy, or tolerance. Because at this point, I deserve neither. I am simply balancing out the many ledgers of my relationships and taking stock of my own accountability.
This reflection is a direct result of my own poor choices, often made in the heat of a moment not clearly understood. This is the sentence handed down by a world that I never quite found my place in, though I tried so very many different approaches to find the way. This is my new forever and it is based solely on a history of selfish intolerance and fleeting, temporary gains that were never destined to be quite strong enough to weather the inevitable storms.
I woke up today, under a grey and faceless Indiana afternoon hovering over this disjointed and shifting City of Wayne, with the silence of an empty blue house echoing hard in my head. My only companions were the text messages sitting on screen that objectively I understood, but that still ended up breaking my heart.
The words written were fair and I had no viable argument against them. It was not the meaning I found hurtful, but rather the symbolism. Because they signified yet another ending.
And I have never done very well with endings.
They too often leave me unsettled and misdirected amongst the swirling of their chaos. I predictably get caught in the currents of receding nostalgia, missing things I had no right to miss and struggling pointlessly to dam the flow. I feel the unpleasantly familiar pressure in my heart when events start slipping away, saying farewell to the circumstances never again destined to represent my day to day experience.
And I have come to despise that feeling because I fucking hate saying goodbye.
The whole world is transforming outside my windows as the season switches over to the colder winds of winter. Chaos and uncertainty are running rampant and no amount of patient tolerance can stem the flood. The tsunami of change is coming and it’s raging in quick, leaving me no other option but to try and run for the higher moral ground that has seemingly eluded me for the entirety of my grown up years.
Despite it all- all the hurt, and the lies, and the fallibility, I know in my heart who it is that I love. And if I should fail to make that climb up to that higher ground successfully, I know it will be the weight of my regret for having hurt her pulling me back down into dark.
The flood is coming.
And I have never been a very strong swimmer.